Dear foreign fucktard in front of me in line at Publix,

First, hang up your goddamn cell and use both hands to place items on the belt. The hardworking cashier can scan them faster than you can load them with only one hand. Second, stop trying to scam the long suffering cashier with an expired coupon that you so cleverly cut the date off. I am not sure what bootleg third world country your dumb ass is from, but that shit does not fly here in America. Third, after you have held me up enough, DO NOT BLOCK THE ONLY EXIT FROM THE STORE.

Dear slow ass motherfucker,

Going twenty fucking five down Deering Road is a serious offense. For the record, that would be five miles per hour SLOWER than the posted speed limit. Because you refused to get a clue and speed up when I rode your ass like a dildo, the next time this occurs severe beatdowns will be administered. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

p.s. The gas pedal is THE ONE ON THE RIGHT. It works best when pushed all the way to the floor.