Last night, I was relaxing on my couch perusing Creative Loafing when I came across a mention of Lush, an allegedly upscale vegetarian restaurant. Because vegetables disgust me and vegetarians annoy me*, in this post I will use my mad philosophical and rhetorical skills to write a restaurant review, without even going to the restaurant and eating filthy vegetables.

First, the restaurant’s classification as upscale vegetarian is simply a marketing ploy cleverly designed to efficiently separate fools from their money. A quick survey of a local grocery store will reveal that vegetables, such as tomatoes, go for approximately $1.49 per pound. In contrast, steak starts at around $5.99 a pound and, depending on size, shrimp fetches roughly $8.99 a pound. So, if a meal costs roughly $50 per person (see this article for details) and consists of nothing but vegetables, it is a swindle.

“Lush offers [snip] three signature punch drinks free of preservatives and processed substances. The cocktails are built from fresh fruit juices (including mango and papaya) and fruit puree…”
- from Creative Loafing, Redeye, July 15, 2004.

We here at Propeller Skies fully support the making of cocktails using fresh fruit juices, as opposed to the cheaper and less tasty sweet and sour mix. However, since alcohol is a poison anyway, there is absolutely no point in wasting money on preservative free mixers.

In conclusion, a bit of chlorine needs to be added to the gene pool. This chlorine should be added in the form of a person with a big shotgun standing at the valet stand, who shoots patrons as they emerge from the restaurant, since they are clearly too stupid to live. I predict this restaurant will do well, because one thing Atlanta certainly has no shortage of is people with more money than brains.

notes:

* I once went on a date with a vegetarian, but she was really hot, thus mitigating the annoyance.